Tomorrow I turn 47. That sounds really old.

I now weigh far heavier, run far slower, pee slower, tire faster, forget easier, recall harder, recover longer and have a softer heart. Really.

Last night Kiddo got us to watch another couple of episodes of “The Newsroom”. It was compelling stuff. Aaron Sorkin is a genius. I am still feeding off re-runs of The West Wing and now there’s this. We had watched episodes of the current season recently but the one last night was a prequel of sorts for us. We watched the one where the anchor, Will McAvoy, just had his team replaced and his old flame MacKenzie has just been hired to come and work with him again. They were arguing in his office on her first day, when Jim Harper, MacKenzie’s off-sider, picked up a news alert. Jim is a young, switched on and driven tv news producer and could smell breaking news in his sleep. The breaking news was the oil spill off the coast of Louisiana, which in real life was a stench for BP. The way the skeletal remains of a team came together, to broadcast the disaster was breathtaking stuff. I told Kiddo it was a “seminal moment in tv” – I have had a glass of red and was a bit uninhibited in dishing out superlatives but like I said, Aaron Sorkin is a genius.

That high was followed, in the very next episode, by a low which was really staring down the bottom of a barrel. The story was on a new Arizona legislation which was targeted at illegal immigration and much as Aaron’s Sorking political leanings were predictable, the story was very watchable indeed. The broadcast in question was a farce as they – due to a crew cock-up – could not secure anyone from the governor’s office to defend the legislation and in its place, it got a quack context fearing, bible quoting conservative who “wrote 2-3 books” (and probably sold 10 copies all in), a gun lobby bullet head and a bimbo. Mac pressed on – maybe as a true blue newsman whose show must go on or maybe to show his crew what goes wrong when they don’t do their homework and could not provide the basic raw material.

It was a great night at home with Tress, Kiddo and the little black jedi, consuming great television washed down with a very nice red. It made turning 47 with all of its woes in tow, much less painful. It was also a stark reminder that life has its ebbs and flows. One deals with events as they emerge and move on, hopefully with loved ones still around us.

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Kiddo’s home for a week and so last night we took her to Tang‘s on Middleborough Road. This is a little family restaurant with simple but not unsophisticated food. We had the pork knuckle dish – something we’ve always been told is one of their specialties but had never, until last night, dared try for fear of its fatty bits.

I enjoyed it unfortunately. I said to Tress and kiddo, if that meant I’m getting on as usually, it’s the older men who enjoyed fatty pork.

I feel like many things have changed with me. The biggest thing is my present total lack of interest in my church stuff. I just want to close out my board role ASAP and then not be involved in any way. I’m not liking how I feel, I think but I’m not sure I want to feel any other way either. I quite enjoy the feeling of being uninvolved, but am not sure what it would do to me.

Sort of like the fatty pork knuckle maybe.

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We were at someone’s home on Friday night when someone showed a YouTube clip of a dance. It was one of those Asian rap stuff I didn’t care for. So I didn’t ask to see the clip as the mobile phone was passed around.

Yesterday, as Tress and I sat waiting for Kiddo to call – she was in the city with some friends having returned on Sat for a week – when I thought I’d just watch that dance on tele to know what the fuss was.

We turned on the Apple TV and searched for Gangnam and lo and behold it was everywhere. I picked one with Ellen Degeneres. There was Simon Cowell and Britney Spears but the attention was on Psy.

It was on show again – that in today’s world of easy access to media. You can do and achieve very little to be widely known. Being known and liked is ever more a factor to be discarded.

The problem is that silly beat and tune for “Gangnam Style” is stuck in me head as I battle Monday morning blues in the train at 6am…

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I am in a bit of a dilemma. On the one hand I really want to stop having any more involvement in my local church board. On the other hand, I keep hearing a need (and sometimes clearly seeing this need) to plug a gap in terms of identifying and articulating certain types of issues and sometimes, solutions to these issues.

God is omnipotent, omniscient and has it all planned and worked out. He doesn’t need anyone in particular, to see His will realised. He wants however, to give effect to His will through man – sometimes specific individuals – to fulfil His love and His glory. It is one of those apparent contradictions which makes the gospel and His kingdom glorious, ie. He is honoured and glorified when man responds to His initiatives and His love plays out in perfect splendour when man responds to that love in complete obedience and submission. Yet, His honour, glory and love has always been and will remain perfect in all of its splendour. It is almost as if He uses the agency of man for His own sake but purely for the benefit of man, yet when He does this, it only magnifies who He is.

So in a sense, it doesn’t matter whether I remain involved. But if I do, it magnifies God’s glory – but (obviously) only if I do it in a way which pleases Him. If by remaining in the Board I risk events which displease Him that equation then no longer hold. No one sets out to risk events which displease Him. Yet one can foreshadow what is to come, and examine if that future sits well in terms of whether one will be ready to do all things possible, and is confident that it is likely, that one will be able to “deliver”. I’m not sure if this equates with a refusal to exercise self-control and (perhaps more importantly) a refusal to be led by the Spirit (I believe this is the purest form of being led by the Spirit). I have a feeling this is just a recognition of the limited and sinful person that I am, have been and will likely remain.

This is not to say I have ceased seeking to be sanctified and be changed from glory to glory, but it is a recognition that all things being equal, there is a greater chance of me causing hurt and harm, than there is of me bringing hope and blessing. Obviously this means “all things being equal” becomes the epicentre of sorts. Maybe this is an opportunity, an avenue even, for me to be changed for the better. Maybe it is an opportunity for all involved – leaders of this church – to revisit how we are to be a blessing and bearer of hope, to all whose paths pass or end at the church.

What of awaiting others to also be ready, and pending that, for me to simply exit and wait it out in the wings? Sort of let the others take this church where they see fit and if/when the time is right for me to be involved again (assuming the window remains open) then by the grace of God go I. Does that work? How will that sit with the other present board members? With the pastor? With the family? I know (I think) it will sit well with the family. But is that the determining factor?

Sometimes I long for a burning bush, a whisper of a still sound voice in a cave, a voice in heaven calling out, a storm in seas to have me spat from the boat, a wetting of the wool, a blinding light on the road to Blackburn, even a passage or verse or chapter from the scriptures – anything.

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I’m not sure objecting to starting something based on where one was born or brought up, in terms of starting a new congregation in a church., is the wrong thing to do. I would object again in a hurry. To have this objection cited as an example of not empowering a pastor to plan, is instructive – or maybe confusing. Either way, it does show a very difficult path ahead.

I’ve been locked into discussions with foreign vendors for the past week or so. It has been very difficult. Maybe awkwardness is a better word. Other than cultural causes, there is also the awkwardness of saying we need certain provisions in the contract because they have been delivering inferior quality work in the past.

These vendors are Asians (Indians –an entity from the giant TATA parent) and as an Asian, it is one of those difficult things we need to say to another Asian: we don’t trust the quality of your work, hence we need some legal/contractual protection. Awkward. But necessary.

Such is life. Sorry Ned Kelly…

I went to work on Monday morning somewhat packed and ready for one of those difficult trip back to Malaysia. After a couple of meetings, I left the office around noon and went straight to Tullamarine.

I got into KL just after 8.30 and after a very long ambling I got through the immigration and cab queues. I only got to the house around 11pm.

There was Ah Ma, lying in state. She looked peaceful, in the same dress she was in, on the portrait at her feet.

My grandmother was 94. She had lived a life full of loving influence on her children and grandchildren. Small in stature, she was a giant in her shrilled voice and laughter, spreading infectious spirit and laughter every time there was a family gathering. Few with such small physical stature have been able to cast a long and strong shadow, a benevolent shade to protect and love her family always.

Yesterday was her funeral. For some reason I always remember some dates. 4 Sept was when we heard the shocking news of Steve Irwin’s untimely death. 2 Sept would be etched in my mind as when grandmother decided someone else is to now be that loving, laughing, teasing and giant of a woman of God.