It’s a difficult, almost surreal, feeling. The permutations keep playing through my head, in endless cycles. The mix of a redundancy, leads, and whether I’ve made the most of the leads/opportunities presented, visit to Malaysia – they just revolved past a mental screen without any swiping action required.

A redundancy is almost certainly making its way to the legal team. An “Amending Deed” – a potentially core document between the new owners and our biggest clients – was signed some time ago. This could dictate the decisions/legal calls we make. And yet, despite other departments having been given this document weeks ago, my boss’ request for this document has thus far gone unheeded.

Leads come and go. One went as far as an interview with the GC, and no matter what one feels after the interview, one never knows what the outcome would be. Should I have asked that question, would I have sounded presumptuous, and all that… It may feel ok but one never knows and the perennial question of who else is/are in the mix is just another proverbial 600lb gorilla in the corner.

How those factors interact and play out, would determine if I visit my mum in Malaysia. She has been unwell, was in and out of the hospital and I would love to be able to see her again. She’s back home now, presumably better. And yet, last week I said to Tress how I recalled my dad being in and out of hospital and I didn’t have the chance to go see him and some 3-4 months later he passed on. That was over 8 years ago now. I don’t want to make the same mistake this time around.

And so each day I leave work early, sit in the car to wait for Tress, read my book, go home, make dinner, walk the little fellow, make breakfast (and lunch) for the next day, have a few drinks while watching television, and wake up early the next day, get to the gym, while away the day and leave work early. Repeat.

I have to wait – maybe up to a week – before the outcome of the interview may be known. The questions – and permutations – keep happening in my head. Notwithstanding the familiarity, these are difficult uncertainties. All uncertainties are. The exercise involved in trusting the Lord and seeking peace in him is put through its paces and sometimes it helps. Often it helps. The permutations keep cycling through but there is an underlying serenity which comes from knowing He knows, and cares. Trust and obey and good currencies. Always.

A month’s gone – we’re into the second month of the “new” year now. A little while ago, I heard someone say if we feel time passing more quickly each year, it’s because we are getting old. So I must be feeling old.

It’s strange because I should be feeling the opposite, given how little is going on at work. This morning’s weekly team capacity meeting continues the ongoing whistle-past-the-grave tone, as the lawyers tried to be self deprecating and laugh at our going home early days. The boss then decided to send a couple of emails to the team. The first one is to line up a “late duty” roll, just to be sure at least a lawyer is around till 5pm every day. The other is to tell us he has asked the new big boss for a core doc. That could be a trigger of sorts I guess. We’ll have to wait and see.

After that I sneaked off to the team room for an early lunch. To my surprise it was full – people had gathered to watch the Superbowl. Apparently there are Aussies who follow American football.

The weekend has been a big one for sports. On Saturday it was the Asian football final, where we worked hard, persisted and beat the South Koreans to take the title as Asian champions. It had been a lazy sort of day, when we slept in, and did very little. The weather didn’t help – it has been a damp squib of a summer so far, which overcast, rainy, cool days for the most part. Tress had a lousy Fri at work and we had met up at Enrik’s for a quick dinner and lingered away Friday night, so sleeping in and just lazying around felt like the thing to do. We went to the local Masters’ store at Box Hill South to look at lemon trees but they didn’t look too flash so there wasn’t any gardening type of activities either.

Yesterday at church it was very full, despite the wet rainy morning. Brollies lined the entrance of the building and there were less shorts seen. After the service we chatted with a couple of people and one of them talked to us about a rotating dinner that would be taking place in March. So for the rest of the day we played with different thoughts about what we could do – menus for any one of starters, mains or desserts ran through our minds.

Later in the night, as we watched the tennis men’s finals we had emails from our home group leader asking if meetings could resume this week. February is here. Activities are resuming their normal cycles. The wheels turn again, and I sincerely hope I head somewhere positive soon.

We went up to Canberra over the weekend. It was the Australia Day weekend but that wasn’t why we made the trip. We trekked up to help kiddo move into her new lodgings in Braddon, as she prepares to start her final year in her undergraduate studies. Her new arrangements appear very satisfactory – costs aside – as it is reasonably close to the uni and shops and the landlord appears to be a steady Eddie, homely kind of a guy (CPA in Defence Dept.).

Tress and I stayed in a B&B in Aranda, a suburb about 10-15mins away, just backing into Canberra Nature Park. The little fellow moseyed around the property for the most part and appeared to be missing kiddo’s company. We made several trips between Aranda and Braddon, soaking up the atmosphere generated by Australia Day celebrations on Monday morning, before leaving just before 1pm.

We got home just a bit before 7.30, having only made 2 quick stops for toilet and petrol. The little fellow made a dash to the side lawn when I let him into the house, and then went into kiddo’s room and lied down on the floor. He looked like he was missing something.

Often the circle of life feels like a wheel of a moving vehicle of some sort. Sometimes however it feels like that vehicle is either stationary or itself moves in circles. Right at this moment, the future isn’t something I’m terribly excited about. In more sense than one.

My office pod is often referred to as the fishbowl. It houses the procurement (sourcing), vendor management, client services and legal teams. At its peak it housed about 20 people. Now though, there’re about a dozen.

Earlier this week, someone from the VM team organised a picnic lunch for today. To my surprise, it was enthusiastically received. So we went to the Carlton Gardens, found ourselves a corner, and had our picnic lunch. I had gone to my usual wonton soup place and surprised the lady proprietor by ordering some fried wontons instead. “No soup today?” I had to tell her it was for a “party”. Others brought pizza, fruits, cheeses and of course, grog.

It took the rawness of the day. The rawness which came about when the increasingly clear signals of the legal team being on the way out, felt like they were being crystallised after my boss had a talk with the new boss yesterday. It could also happen as soon as next week, or maybe the week after. If anything different pans out, it would be surprise.

Tomorrow however, we head off to Canberra for Kiddo to start the final leg of her undergraduate journey.

Tomorrow will be the last day for the outgoing CFO/Deputy CEO of my employer. He interviewed me (second interview) for the job, just under 3 years ago. His EA was just speaking with us earlier this arvo. She is one of the nicer EA’s around so we appreciated her coming down to have a chat with us. She was just going into the office of the strategy head in the room next door to us, to look at what he’s got left behind in the office, having suddenly been made redundant yesterday.

With all the goings and the talks about the future of the legal team being anything but positive, the pervasive sentiments of the team remain that of whistling past the graveyard.

As there is not much going on for now, I’d spent the last hour or so cleaning up my desk. Threw out old conference materials, team building stuff, this and that – it would speed up an exit process if it comes down to that. The lawyers in the team have also chatted about scanning our CPD conferences and storing them on the Google drive, in case we get audited by the legal services board. So the mood has been that sort.

I think I’d leave even earlier today – 4pm maybe…

As the train pulled away from Richmond station this morning, I noticed the sky colors. They were hues of red, pink.

When I got off at my stop, I turned around to see if they were still there. They were. Like so:

I put the pic on FB and got a comment to say “wine and roses”

If only the days of 2015 will be like so…

I left the office early again last Friday, to pick up the car which I had dropped off for service in the morning. We had a barbie dinner at home, and pretty much stayed in the whole night. The next day we took the train into the city and went to the market in South Melbourne. We did the usual thing – wandered around, ate some oysters a la natural, bought some cheeses, wines, fruits etc. We bumped into Uncle Marloney and Auntie Hooi there too. Later we went to Myer and I picked up a pair of jeans and a suit. We then headed home, walked the jedi and settled down to play cards for the entire night.

Yesterday arvo after church and lunch at Madam K, we spent a bit of time walking the little jedi again. It was however a beautifully sunny and cool afternoon and the walk was terrific. We came home and played cards some more. Kiddo had also given me some document to be scanned in the office. There were far too many pages to be done on our home scanner. As I did them this morning, I read a few pieces and rediscovered how well Kiddo did in school. It’s a reminder to me how much she has grown and how smart she has become. It is a message to me: I need to listen to her more and more because there is so much I can learn from her. I’m so proud of her.

As I started the week this morning and with my boss returning after his summer holidays, the weekly Monday morning team meeting served only to confirm the uncertainty facing yours truly and other members of the legal team. On the bright side (yes, trying) it may be a case of being presented with a blank canvass for me/us to paint the picture I/we want. Ah well, one can only try…

I was washing up my salad container at work and having a chat to my colleague. We were talking about barbies. He got himself a weber barbie – something I have been singing the praises for. He also got the stand, a trivet, and some roasting trays. He’s fully accessorized his weber.

It occurred to me that blokey aussie male has just acted on the advice of a chinaman migrant on the matter that is of national significance viz., the BBQ. Strange day.

I might celebrate Australia Day with a bit more gusto this year.

We went away to the coasts from 2-9 Jan. Port Albert is a bit at the top of Wilson’s Prom, almost at the start of the 99 mile beach. Tress and I had passed there a few years ago, having originally booked to stay a night. We decided against staying and drove home instead, en route from a NSW/Vic coast road trip back from Canberra. Somehow we decided to go there again and the quiet, almost deserted, atmosphere was quite fun and of course, relaxing. We were there for 3 nights, came back home for a night and then pushed off in the opposite direction, and headed to Portland. Portland is much bigger than PA but just as relaxing and fun. I did however, come back with dozens of insect bites which remain red and itchy.

This morning I came into the office to be greeted with emails from the big boss with a departmental meeting invite. She would be leaving by Easter. At mid day, an email from the new CEO announced further but not unexpected changes. The rumour mills have made their rounds and that email merely confirmed what we have heard for a few weeks now. What remains shrouded for now, is the fate of the those lower down the chains, such as yours truly.

Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been around these traps before, or maybe we’ve mentioned and laughed over this so often now, but somehow the specter of  being made redundant as I await my 50th birthday, has been less jolting than it should have been. I must admit the thought (and fear) has been lingering in my head – never leaving for more than a couple of hours – but it hasn’t gotten hold of me as much as the thought of being unemployed used to. I kind of hope this is proof that I do learn and I am now trusting God more but the test is yet to come though. If the decision is made and delivered and it is not the outcome I had wanted, I wonder how I would react. God provides, yes. I just hope he would do so by allowing me to either keep my job, or find a new one soon.

Happy 2015? I guess…

In so many ways this has been a difficult year. Not personally but in terms of events around us, both near and far.

When surrounded by difficult circumstances, it is easier to harbour doubt and despair. So the word of CS Lewis (as cited by Alistair McGrath) again comes to mind:

“Be not deceived, Wormwood, our cause is never more in jeopardy than when a human, no longer desiring but still intending to do our Enemy’s will, looks round upon a universe in which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.”

Maybe reading John Bunyan’s classic would be a good way to start the year. Perhaps it is time to revisit the idea of us all being pilgrims.