I’m breaking down. I have had 2 colds in less than 4 weeks. I feel cold even when I am walking out of the gym, having just made enough sweat to soak my entire t-shirt barely 20 minutes earlier. I now habitually wear my overcoat and a scarf. It is only the first week of winter. It is still only between 6-9 deg in the morning. It is foggy. It hasn’t however reached 0 yet. So it will get worse. I cannot break down now. I dont want this constant sneezing and nose clogging this early in winter.

I think our house feels cold. Tuesday night I got back a bit late. The fuel tank in our Nissan was low. Tress says to have it filled. However she suggested I went home first because otherwise dinner would turn cold. I agreed. I normally wouldn’t mind cold dinner. I am however, breaking down. I feel cold these days. I want hot dinners. I went home first and had hot just-steamed bok choy, salmon and a few boiled dumplings. All wonderfully hot. When I finished, Gordon Ramsay was starting. But the Nissan needed fuel. So I went back out into the cold. The overcoat had to come off the hanger again. As did the scarf. I even pulled on a beanie when I thought about standing around at the petrol kiosk.

Car filled, I got back to catch Gordon. Watched him in between preparing lunch. That soul food looked much better than the chicken/sprout/cottage cheese sandwich I was making. Logged back on to check some work stuff from the boss. Feeling cold. 2nd glass of very cheap and ordinary red (Somerton Merlot, 87 Vicki Street standard issue, under 5 bucks) didn’t seem to help. I crawled into bed when I finally gave in to the idea of warm comfort under the doona. Doona which has been warming up with the aid of the electric blanket. Even that wasn’t warm enough. I was still cold. So I kept my jumper on. I slept in it. It was not good. It was an old jumper for sure, but the idea of sleeping in my woolen jumper made me feel … not right. But I did. I was cold. I’m breaking down.

I don’t know why that happens. Wear and tear I suppose. It happens to all of us. Even to John McCain, Vietnam heroics and presidential campaign notwithstanding. An ex boss will turn 70 this year. He was very active – taichi, rigorous walks and robust relationship with his wines. He puts in a full day’s work everyday, often late into the night as well. Both his physical and mental fitness pose great challenges to his younger colleagues. Lawyers in their 40s often have poor health – their affinity for money (and thus the work required to generate it ) and booze is a deadly combination. Hard to believe I know but work sometimes takes a life of its own and lawyers take to it independent of the money attached. This doesn’t change anything. The long hours remain, the stress continues and the booze is still required. Many become a physical wreck. They die of either a stroke or cardiovascular disease at a relatively young age. I want to get off this track. I want to live. But I’m breaking down. And feeling cold…