Many have people they love or know, in London. Many have travelled there for work, business, studies, holiday or visiting friends or family. In one of our trips there, my wife and I stayed in a hotel a few hundred feet from Russell Square station, where one of the bombs went off. I remember walking to and from that station every morning and evening, and ascending and descending the steps leading into and out from the platforms. While I also had the privilege of visiting the World Trade Centre in New York before they succumbed to terrorist acts, London felt closer to home. New York was hot and humid when I visited, very much a blur. All I remember were the Wall Street offices including the law office which a colleague and I attended for business, and the lunch thereafter. I recall vaguely the walk to Times Square with a few other colleagues that same evening but that was it. London is different. I recall Piccadilly Circus a lot better than I do Times Square. I recall the underground better than the subway. I can close my eyes and picture the streets of London better than I can the streets of New York. Maybe it was because I was in NY only once. Maybe it wasn’t pleasant when I was there, and the trip was too short to make any impression.

For what it has done in Iraq, Britain is not in my good books. Still, watching the pictures on the television last night was distressing. They were not at all dramatic in comparison with what we saw on 11/09/2001. Then, we first saw smoke coming out of one tower. Then we saw, live, a second plane crashing into the other tower. Then we saw first one tower than the other, crumbling. We saw people jumping out from the windows, from what must have been at least 20-30 story high levels. Last night all we saw were vehicles crowding around the entrances and exits of train stations, and the occasional casualty. Many of the casualties looked messed up but could still talk to the journalists. The picture of the blown off double-decker isn’t dramatically different from pictures of many exploded buses we have seen over the years, mainly in the middle-east. As undramatic as the pictures relatively were, they were distressing.

This morning I heard Ken Livingstone speak. He extolled the virtues of the city and what it represents. He said many people will continue to come to London and make it their home. This was because the city allowed them to pursue their dreams, let them be who they want to be and let them do what they want to do. He said many people went to London to escape where they came from, where they were told what to do and how to live their lives. I cannot recall listening to any other speech by Ken Livingstone but I thought that was a stirring one. Almost comparable to Rudy’s in NY when Sept 11 happened.

Of course there will be the usual rant, rightly so I think, of the lopsidedness of media coverage. Larger numbers are killed by acts of the Western world in various parts of the world. The media would argue those were contexts of war or peace-keeping situations, whereas this was  a city outside such war zones. I guess the jihad members don’t look at it that way. Everywhere is a battle ground. Wherever they choose to be, will be battlegrounds. Such as the London underground, or the Madrid metro, or (shudders) Connex Rail in Melbourne. The wife is not going in to work this morning – staying home to look after kiddo who is not well. I told her the boss may think she was worried about travelling in a Melbourne train. Anyway, like Aragorn said to Theoden in the Two Towers, “War is already upon us, (whether you like it or not)”. Theoden may have been king and not Aragorn but he couldn’t argue with that. Neither can the west argue with the jihad perpetrators. Even if they can eliminate Al-Qaeda, war will continue until there can be a reconciliation between the two sets of values and beliefs.

 

I guess as parents we all want to provide our children with something, either when they grow up or when we “go”. We were reading Proverbs 14 last night and I told kiddo I would rather leave her a fear for God than anything else (or above everything else). With a fear for God she would have peace and joy no amount wealth or education can give her. Then this morning I recalled CS Lewis’s take on why Jesus did what He did.

 

God created life. He is the source of it. When we reject God therefore, we reject not just the church or the bible or any set of rules and regulations; we reject the source of life. When we so reject, we head death’s way by default. We need therefore to be hauled the other way. We can’t however haul ourselves because we have rejected the source of life. We need someone who hasn’t rejected that source (read: has not sinned), to so haul us back into life. We need someone perfect. Only God is, and His Son. God or His Son somehow needs to jump in, be part of us and haul us back. That means God or His Son has to be part of this death path.

 

Problem is: if God is life, He can’t die. God doesn’t die. If He does, He can’t be God. So God had to become man. Just so He can die. His death however, lasted just 3 days. He rose again, so that we too can rise with Him. We then head the other way, back to the source of Life, God. That in a nutshell is the gospel. Still doesn’t quite click, does it. I mean why must He die to haul us back into life? Hmmm… the answer is there, but how do I arrange the blocks in my head so that they make a neat pile? Gotta read CS Lewis for more clues (on how to arrange these blocks)…

(Response to a Comment in earlier blog today)

 

Dear Kiawin

 

Thank you for taking time to comment. I especially appreciate your comment about the need to appreciate what God has given us, and the need to obey His commands for us to be salt and light of the earth. Did I stray? You bet. Not however, by migrating. I strayed while I was in KL. When I returned from Australia after finishing my university education, I had lofty ideals. I frowned on those who remained in Australia instead of returning to serve God in Malaysia. I spent a lot of time going to all sorts of housing areas in Klang, doing evangelism. I served in my local church, participating in as many areas as possible in order to reach out to as many as possible. I also participated in mission work, doing short mission trips locally as well as abroad (several trips to India). I strayed however, and was pulled away in a very slow and gradual manner, from serving God to serving other things, especially career. It wasn’t all by choice. Career in KL is a take-no-prisoner approach. Where I was, I found it near impossible to say no to additional work and additional time in office or with clients. I loathed the late nights in office or with clients but it came with the job. Looking back I guess I could have said no and leave the consequences to God. Back then however, it was a quagmire I sunk into very slowly, almost unconsciously. By the time I realised what was happening, too much was at stake. Not just my career and money, but the well-being of my firm, my colleagues and my clients. It would have been irresponsible to walk away from it all. Also, in the midst of it all, I slowly came to detest the business practice, the corruption, the inequality and the corrupt bureaucracy and warped mentalities of people I had to deal with. In fact my walk with God was suffering the longer I remained in that set of circumstances in KL.

 

About 3-4 years after returning from Australia, I began harbouring thoughts of retuning TO Australia. Those thoughts floated around, germinated, got uprooted, thrown out, came back, re-germinated and so on. That cycle of thoughts just went on for years (about 10 years). It was only when I thought about how my child would probably go through the same cycle – not just of thoughts but also the cycle of work, chasing empty dreams, encountering unpleasant and corrupt bureaucracy – that I put my foot down and told myself to go. By that time, serving God in fact was a factor which if at all it mattered, tilted in favour of leaving/going! What I’m saying is one serves God in different contexts over different phases or times. I find I still have a desire to serve God, to witness for him. That wasn’t my driving factor but it has become a refreshingly new avenue now that He has allowed me to be extricated from the quagmire I found myself in in KL and which I tried to describe above. I now find joy in sharing with for example, Chinese migrants (from China). No, that wasn’t (at all) the reason for my coming here. Like I said, God is good. He turns our folly into channels of His blessings as well. Do I wish I could serve God more in Malaysia? Of course. Just like I wish I could serve God more in India. And in China. And in Melbourne Australia. Globalisation isn’t just for commerce and the economy, mate. It’s for obeying and fulfilling the great commission as well! In fact, Jesus was the first on the globalization track when he commanded us to be witnesses “to the end of the earth”.

 

Do I regret not letting God’s value drive my decisions on every turn? Of course I do. In this turn however, I sought Him. It was one decision my family and I prayed over for a long time. Like most decisions we make, we weigh up both sides of the argument, commit the matter to God, then go whichever way we decide. Yes, we have to be the one to decide. To most of us, that still small voice is often a deafening silence. To many of us, that message is found somewhere else, not a direct voice which we hear. God has yet to speak to me in that audible and direct manner. Do I think it is God’s will for us to be here now? I cannot be 100% sure. To every good thing, I can point to a countervailing matter. But that is life, isn’t it?

 

What I know is: I now work in a place where I have yet to hear a swear word (I hear about 50% clean language in my KL office). I drink only wine and about 1-2 glasses each time (I drank copious beer, whiskies, wines, brandy all the time in KL). I am yet to know someone who has cheated on his wife (I know many colleagues, associates, friends who do, in KL). I now share with Chinese migrants about Christ (in my last 5 years in KL, I barely spoke to anyone about Him). I now attend my church prayer meeting regularly (I hardly did in KL/Klang). I now worship Him with more consciousness and purpose when I go to church on Sundays (I was often sleepy and numb in Klang). I now have a regular prayer time and read the Bible regularly. Ditto family (very little in Klang/KL). Yes, it may all be the novelty angle. In time I may become jaded by all these and revert to a state of rut. Again that is life, isn’t it?

 

I guess we all know when we reach the pearly gates, when we are weighed up one last time.

 

Best regards,

Teetwoh

 

I wrote this gaffe to an old friend today…

 

Hi PPP SSS

 

Good to hear you are well, in every way, it would seem.

 

DUMC is a church which has helped many people. Daniel Ho is very close to my ex-boss (who is also here in Melbourne now). In fact I bumped into this ex-boss together with Daniel a few weeks ago, in the Koorong bookstore near our home. My brother used to attend that church as well. Our church in Klang was also very good for us, and that our lives also revolved around that Klang church a lot.

 

You asked: Is Malaysia so bad that we (and many others) choose to leave and make big sacrifices?

Warning: long story follows.

 

In Malaysia, my work involved a fair bit of interaction with politicians (who sit in Boards of public companies) and senior civil servants (from institutions like Bank Negara, Securities Commission etc) as well as well-connected businessmen. Every time I interact with them, I come away with the feeling that I do not want Elysia (our daughter) to grow up in an environment where incompetent and dishonest people use bureaucracy, corruption and race to safeguard their own positions. I think the inequity of many policies in Malaysia cannot last and one day, many will pay the price for it. Especially non-bumis.

 

I imagine Elysia 10-15 years from now, having to make the decision to leave the country. We can make that decision easier for her by moving now. Theresa and I will bite the bullet now, we will be the ones to make the sacrifices now instead of postponing it so that Elysia becomes the one who has to make the move and adjustments. Furthermore, what if 15 years from now, it is no longer possible for her to leave? The risk would be quite high also. While we have the opportunity to leave now, when things are well, we should leave. That is my opinion anyway. Many would disagree, obviously. If we waited until there are obvious and pressing reasons to leave, often that would mean we would not have the luxury to plan carefully and well. Do we wait until there are such obvious and pressing signs that things have deteriorated? I don’t know.

 

Maybe the signs are already there. If I recall correctly, 2-3 months ago the Ministry of Education came up with an idea that to go overseas for education, one needs approval/license/permits from them. What is to stop them from imposing a quota and prohibitive fees for such approvals and permits as well? First they imposed quota on public universities. So non-bumis go to private colleges. Then they impose quotas there as well. Also, private colleges become expensive. That leaves overseas education as a relatively unregulated and therefore open channel for non-bumi parents. Now there are talks to put a fence around that as well. I’m frightened, to tell you the truth. I’m frightened that some day, even overseas education becomes an impossibly difficult option.

 

I’m also so frightened that I imagine one day the government would say even passports would have quotas. This is to encourage bumiputra participation in overseas travel, they could say. So, non-bumis can only have passports after the bumis have theirs. Do you think this is a totally impossible scenario? Not if the same type of people remain in power. I have had personal experience of dealing with such people and I do not doubt they are capable of such nonsense.

 

Even if things don’t become so bad, ie, status quo remains, what are the consequences? Our children must be either very smart or very rich. If they are very smart, they may get into local uni’s. Even then, the quality there is very poor. Now, Uni Malaya has deteriorated so bad that its graduates cannot find jobs. The quality dropped as long as 10 years ago, when I was involved in interviewing fresh graduates for recruitment. Many cant think and speak independently and intelligently. Or, they have to be very rich. We are ok because both Theresa and I had levels of income to support Elysia and she is our only child. Many wont be able to support their children for overseas education. That’s why private colleges have swelled. Are they good? Quality is unassured, at best. In any case, even if we are able to send our children overseas, what about their children? Our children must be even richer than us to be able to send their children overseas. Agreed? So each generation must be richer and smarter, just to secure something as fundamental as education. Surely this cant go on?

 

To some extent, I often look at some families around me here in Melbourne who are either clients or church friends, and feel we are doing the right thing. These are families who moved here 10-15 years ago, whose children are fully integrated into the society here and are doing fairly well. These families would have done well in their home countries too for sure, but all things being equal, they would have had to make up a lot of ground to be where they are today, had their families not moved 10-15 years ago.

 

There are other "smaller" reasons for our move. I often tell people I cant put my finger on a single reason which made us move. Like many decisions in life, this one too was made as a result of a combination of a number of reasons, none of which we can point to and say THAT was the reason. Inequality and corruption are big-ticket principles I guess. These trickles down to anecdotes which add up to give us a dossier to conclude: Let’s go. I must say it could still be a mistake. I don’t know. I cant be 100% certain we have done the right thing. That can only be determined if at all, many years from now when we look back. In the meantime, we look to our God who provides for us. God can and does take even our mistakes and turn them around to be blessings. We would seem like farsighted geniuses for making certain decisions but it would be God who is the one who made it all happen. We could have looked like complete fools for some of our decisions, and maybe we still do look like fools. Never mind. We ask God to turn even our foolishness into blessings. One thing I have learn to treasure is just to dwell in the presence of God and never mind what the world thinks.

 

We trust that in His infinite love and wisdom, we feel secure. All that we go through now is nothing in the context of His eternal love.

 

I guess the last few sentences suggest it is time to stop here. You’d be surprised how often I had to answer people who ask “Why did you leave?”. It becomes easier with each explanation. Somehow.

 

I wish you and your family all the best in your decision making process. Let us know if there are specific prayer points you’d want us to be focusing on.

 

Best regards,

This past weekend felt like a foggy little passage. I just cant seem to recall what I did or how I felt. This is unusual because for every weekend since moving to Melbourne, I have been acutely aware of my actions and feelings. I recall weekends in Malaysia where I hadn’t the slightest clue what went on, such was the constancy of what happened in weekends. Out for a long run early in the morning, back in time to shower, change and take the family out shopping, back home late afternoon, take the dog out for a walk, go to in-laws’ for dinner and back at home by EPL game time with drinks and junk food in hand. Games finish at 2am, stumble into bed, up the next morning, go to church, off to the club for lunch at 1.30pm, more drinks, back at home at 3pm, play cards with in laws, out for dinner with in-laws, back home at 9pm and get the kid ready for bed. This cycle of family, EPL, drinks and church stuff had been spinning on without any drama, for years. Sometimes it gets broken by work commitment, in which case we still get into the city for that shopping bit on Saturdays, except I go into the office whereas the family proceed to the usual haunt.

 

This past Saturday, let’s see…morning run which started quite late because of the weather. By the time I got back it was past 10am. Did very little housework before kiddo wanted to go to the library. Wifey and I then went to the markets, and by the time we finished shopping she had to go to her ladies’ get-together in her auntie’s home. I dropped her off there and went back to the library, read there for a couple of hours, went home with my daughter, ironed my shirts, started cooking dinner, went to pick my wife up, came home for dinner, and stayed home and played chess with kiddo. Then we watched a little tele and went to sleep. It was church the next morning…Ahh… I remember now why everything was such a blurr. Kiddo had a bad cold, knocked on our door at 4am, after which I just could sleep. That was Saturday morning. Funny how a little interruption in sleep on a cold winter weekend create so much fog …

 

            It is the last day of the antipodeans’ financial year. For the last hour or so, the office has been abuzz with an anticipation of a good lunch in a restaurant nearby, for the whole office. I guess this means the firm has had a good year. That is consistent with the Australian economy, I guess. I wonder though, what it’d be like next (financial) year. With crude oil prices asking Scottie to slow down, with John Howard’s version of industrial relation revolution, with a chronic shortage of skilled labour and of course, – everyone’s 600 pound gorilla – China’s juggernaut, how the economy would fare after today is a question no one dare ask loudly, I guess. For me personally though, I’d be glad if I still sit here this time next year, cranking out agreements, affidavits, pleadings, letters and such other exciting legal documents.

            I was in the city yesterday afternoon and just like all of my other visits, yesterday stoked a little fire in me, causing me to miss city-type of work. This office I was in was very similar to my last law firm in KL. Beautiful panelled wall with the name of the firm tastefully emblazoned across the wall separating the reception from the rest of the office, the set of plush leather chairs in the waiting area exuded charm and class. The office goes around to occupy the entire floor, and the meeting rooms all had charming oak or oak-like tables and gently aged leather chairs. Of course, all these are likely funded by associates and partners busily cranking up billable hours, probably at the expense of a “balanced lifestyle”.

            I recall the insane hours the associates and some partners in that KL law firm used to put in (and are still putting in). I’d leave around 9-10pm and still feel like an early one. Then there were the all-nighters, which thankfully I had very few of. Of course, in those days, often the only time I saw my kid was during the weekend. I remember often wishing I had the chance to be doing something else, just to avoid that sort of grind. And yet, here I am, thinking maybe I miss those days! I guess we tend to remember the good parts and forget the bad parts of every stage or experience of ours.  Maybe the fact that I’m trying to find my feet/ground myself in the legal circles here that I sometimes wished I could return to that sort of work. Later that night however, when I was home cooking dinner for the wife and daughter at 6.30pm, I was glad I wasn’t working in the city. It felt good to be sitting at the dinner table at 7pm with the family, eating and catching up, talking and laughing.

            God in His wisdom has provided me with this job. It wasnt something I particularly wanted or sought out, but it has turned out to be a blessing in so many ways. I guess I could do a lot worse than placing my future totally in God’s hands. I will just work on what he has blessed me with and leave everything else to Him.

Dang! This little grape on my foot hurts. It didn’t yesterday. Now it does. Strange one, this. My usual blisters are white. Or clear. This one was dark red. Wifey thought it was suppressed bleeding but why would that happen? This pair of shoes (an Adidas trail runner) has been good for me these past 6 months. Yesterday’s run was around a footy oval, on near flat terrain, mostly gravel. 16 laps of maybe 600m each. With runs to and from the oval, that was just a little over 10k. Not overly excessive. Certainly not enough to earn me a grape sized and grape coloured blister. I cant wait to get home and remove the socks to check on it…

My Boss left the office over half an hour ago. Said he was jaded and tired. He had to be with a client in a police station for over 5 hours yesterday (Sunday). His wife added that it was his second consecutive weekend caught up with work/work related matters (we were in a seminar last Saturday). This silly client was accused firstly of whacking super flue on doors/windows of shops next to his. When the police searched his house, they didn’t find any super glue (I would have thought THAT strange, as most houses would have that stuff, I would think) but found an item which was from one of the shops he was accused of vandalizing. He was then charged with theft of that item. I know how it felt to have your time “robbed” by clients who do stupid things. Back in Malaysia, I had a client who was accused of slapping a woman around, in public. High profile client (accused of) doing stupid things in a high profile manner. Guess what? Got front page headlines, of course. For days. Press wont leave him alone. He had text’ed me, around 2am, if I remembered correctly. Needed some form of help which I had to promptly attend to 7am the next day. High profile client who paid a lot of fees, so I duly obliged. When I contacted my big boss, of course he agreed with what I did. I’m glad in my present place, I wont have this client to deal with, especially if he is still vulnerable to like escapades. My present boss though, has to deal with strange characters like that. Sounded almost like a character straight out of John Mortimer’s pages (he of Rumpole fame). Know any lawyers with clients who do the strangest things? I guess lawyers’ occupational hazards can be great fodder for conversation pieces and that is one fringe benefit no one should begrudge us.

 

Mondayitis of an “orange alert level”, I’m suffering today. I think. It’s the start of the school holidays, which will go on for 2 weeks. In Malaysia, this would have heralded a holiday trip to somewhere like Penang. It would have meant a few days together with the family in a beautiful sunny, warm and beautiful beach resort. It would have also meant a few days for Elysia to spend with her favourite cousins, Nicole and Isaac. We are however, in Melbourne in the middle of winter. The wife woke up this morning bemoaning the act of waking up to a 4 degree cold morning. She moaned and asked “why?” in a tone which made me wonder why we are here and not in Penang enjoying relatives, beaches and great food. About 2 hours after ruminating and aching the wife’s sentiments, I went into Elysia’s bedroom, told her I was leaving for work and another dagger pierced my heart. She was going to be alone for a few hours before I came to pick her and send her to Auntie Hooi’s. In Malaysia, she would have Lini (our Indonesian maid) look after her, or even better, she would have spent a few days with us in Penang. So why are we here… I keep telling myself my heart says to remain in Malaysia but my head tells me to move Down Under. I love Malaysia, but I don’t think that is the place for me and my family in the long run. Yes, yes – in the long run we are all dead, so said Keynes. For now however, I have to think these winter blues will subside to be replaced by a glorious spring, where the wife would be excited to be in beautiful Melbourne. I have to remind myself that after the morning cold thawed, when the limbs limbered up, we’d be glad to smell and breathe the crisp cold air instead of the muggy sweltering Malaysian humidity. I have to remind myself that those Penang holidays always come to an end, and we would be back in our office facing the corporate and business worlds of Malaysia, with its overwhelming corruption and bureaucracy making everything revolting. Invariably, Elysia leaves her cousins in Penang to return to a Malaysian school which will take her deeper into the forests of racially based progress in an increasingly limp education system. I have to remind myself that having an Indonesian maid for years had handicapped Elysia’s ability to look after herself better, something we have had to remedy for the last 9 months. Yes, the familiarity of Malaysia gave us much security. We need to rebuild that sense of security, here in Melbourne. We have taken the first steps, and must continue to strive on. Brave the winter mornings. Brave the absence of close relatives. Brave the new surroundings. And…brave Mondayitis.