I did not seek out this job. The agent I went to for a different role asked if I wanted to give this job a shot and I thought why not, anything would do. I feel now that that wasn’t the wisest thing to do in the long term. If my mind and heart weren’t tuned to it, I’d be a wrong fit and that would mean a whole lot more effort is required for me to slot right in. Anyway the “why not” is now fully answered, I think. I’m afraid it takes a lot more to teach an old dog new tricks.

 

I cannot live by marking time, in terms of six minute units, and billing them on a series of Wills and Probates, moms and pops shops (or some other backyard recording industry), conveyancing, and small debt collections. A 1-minute phone call is charged on the basis of 6-minutes. A 5-minute letter is charged on basis of 2 units – that’s 12 minutes. If it actually took 12 minutes, it would be billed 3 units, or up to 18 minutes. They all add up, and these suburban clients pay them. Most do without too much grudge, but many unhappy albeit not expressed.

 

It is different if they are corporations, especially large ones. I have no qualms to make them pay because it is a cost of doing business. They squeeze others and accept that others squeeze them.

 

Well, it has come to a boil. Things have not worked out. I will not be here for long, I believe. Boss and I had a talk 2 days ago and we both said what we thought and felt. Things haven’t been the same since. I am dusting off my resume now. Maybe re-work some business plans I had at the back burner.

Elitism

Elysia is not elitist. I am quite sure of that. That does not mean she does not appreciate recognition and attention. I think this is what the current hang-up in our home is about. A few weekends ago she took a test for an “enrichment” program for her secondary education in the Mount Waverley Secondary College next year. This program would have extra curriculum to stretch students more, and maybe accelerate their learning process. When we took her to the school for the test we met with many other expectant parents. Over 120 students took part in it and only about 50 would be selected for the next stage.

She was selected for the next stage, which was an interview. That took place yesterday. I took her there and attended the interview together with her. She did all of the answering while I sat next to her. She appeared to be a ball of nerves but was able to sufficiently control the frayed ends to answer the questions properly. It was shorter than I had expected. Her portfolio of work (all interviewees were asked to bring one) was also smaller than some of the other candidates’.

The last 2 points made me worry. I now worry that this may turn out to be a first big disappointment in her life. We have been making sure there is a good balanced approach to this. We have been telling her that even if she doesn’t get into this program she could still excel in secondary school. Conversely we also told her that even if she does get in, it would take hard and consistent work if she were to do well – no different from if she is not inside this group. I think she agrees with that. She also knows that there is nothing like experiencing the real thing. If she doesn’t make it she will be disappointed. We will have to be there for her, and continue that assurance and support. As would parents of the other candidates who don’t make it into the program. Theresa was able to ascertain that only about 25 of the 50 would go on to make it. So there’s a 50:50 chance.

To be sure I don’t think the intention is to create a sense of elitism. It is simply intended to identify and encourage students who are capable of more, and push them to realise their potentials.

The effect however, would be an elitist group. Hopefully that would not result in victimisation in the school compound on the one hand or pride and elitism on the other. Hopefully this would not create a us versus them mentality. It doesn’t matter if Elysia is in or out of this group – this schism should not be there.

If she does get in, I hope she retains her friendship with her present friends one way or the other. She often tells us one reason she has been happy in Melbourne is her friends. I hope that does not change. That would be my prayer for her from now on.

There’s a star on Melbourne morning talkback radio on 3AW by the name of Neil Mitchell. If this was Malaysia Neil would have been locked up under the Internal Security Act (“ISA”) by now. There have been so many issues which he just thumped the governments with, both State and Federal. He like many Australians has this wonderful tendency to speak his mind no matter who it tends to embarrass or hurt. He certainly doesn’t come across as someone who looks behind him before speaking.

This morning Neil asked why is it that the Victorian government appears to be sniffing for ways to generate more revenue in all imaginable ways, when revenue collection has been at all time highs in recent years. With healthy receipts into government coffers why does it continue to look out for additional means of exacting money from taxpayers? Neil has a theory – the Melbourne 2006 Commonwealth Games is going to be a major blow-out. It was a pure stab in the dark – or at least it sounded that way when I reached my office and stopped listening. Yet he wasn’t worried about speaking his mind – he just blurted it out, almost nonchalantly.

 To be fair finances of the Kuala Lumpur 1998 Commonwealth Games was also a subject matter which Malaysian journalists openly asked about. It certainly made the General cry in public, upholding the then honourable tradition demonstrated by leaders of Malaysia. Shedding a tear was perhaps an acceptable trait of leadership then. The journalists’ calls however, had to do with non-tabling of accounts years after the event. I cannot imagine anyone publicly challenging the finances of the organisers a less than 6 months before the event. Certainly such challenges would not have been given a public airing.

In fact events leading up to the 1998 Kuala Lumpur Commonwealth Games were some of the ugliest to surround Malaysian history. Nallakaruppan, a tennis player of the then Finance Minister and Deputy Prime Minister Anwar Ibrahim, was arrested for having a bullet in his home. He was then offered a deal with the Attorney General to have his charges reduced, if he was willing to testify against Anwar. A Pakistani intellectual, whose name I now (unfortunately) forget, was also arrested for homosexual practices. He was similarly implicated and was asked to testify against Anwar. Weeks of street protests accompanied by riot police beating protesters with batons and water canons lead up to the Games. Leaders of the protests were thrown into jail. Many corporate leaders who were perceived to have been Anwar’s allies or financial backers were persecuted. Officers of companies involved were victimised. Civil liberties were trampled around. The intention and the effect, was the silencing of critics. My embryonic plans to emigrate and leave Malaysia were suddenly urgent.

I had been disillusioned with Malaysia since the events involving Rahim Thamby Chik then a governor (chief minister) of the state of Malacca and Lim Guan Eng, son of opposition leader Lim Kit Siang, and an opposition member himself. Rahim was alleged to have had a sexual relationship with a minor and Guan Eng had raised the matter in parliament and distributed pamphlets calling for Rahim to be investigated. I can no longer recollect the technical basis but Guan Eng was thrown into prison. I remember joining public protests including holding a candle light vigil for Guan Eng outside the courthouse in Kuala Lumpur one night. His father Kit Siang joined us but for a father whose son has just been thrown in jail and whose political and professional (he was an accountant) career has been given a kiss of death, he was remarkably calm. Guan Eng’s mistreatment and the feeling that one cannot do anything about it, even speaking up against it, was a defining moment for me. I decided that I must either do something or I would leave Malaysia.

Many around me were nervous everytime we had a chat. Among friends and relatives, I started speaking out against the government’s policies and misdeeds. I was labelled a fool and irresponsible, especially for a father of a very young child. I started joining the then blossoming medium of internet forums which discussed these matters. I took active part and felt frustrated with the climate of fear and keeping quiet.

I wanted a climate where Neil Mitchell’s abound.

During the Anwar crisis, I too was a victim. On the periphery for sure, but I suffered. I decided I was going to leave the country once I loosed myself from the vines that tied me then.

Yet having left Malaysia and settled into Melbourne for about a year now, I suddenly find myself trying to get used to the forthrightness of Australians. Instead of appreciating and thriving in this environment, I find myself feeling like an alien. It is a practice which is new to me – this no-holes-barred mentality. Anyone and any issue is fair game and you stand only on your own two feet and the merits and strength of ones own thoughts.

Maybe it is the mellowing of age, maybe I stayed too long in Malaysia. My mind has been over Malaysianised. I don’t know which the bigger factor is: conservatism that comes with age or the length of time spent in Malaysia. My affinity for open and full throttled comments with no regard for anything other than the veracity and validity of the contents of such comments has become less than what I imagined.

Neil Mitchell is entertaining but I cringe at his forthrightness. I shouldn’t but I do.

I don’t know what to hope for my daughter. I think I hope for her to cherish the likes of Neil.

 

Yesterday was a hot day. Although we woke up to a 13-degree morning, the temperature climbed so quickly that by the time we were ready to leave the house for church 2-3 hours later (about 9.45) it was already 24 degrees. Maximum forecasted was 30 degrees. For the first time since arriving in Melbourne, Theresa was decked out in a skirt and a blouse for church. She looked magnificent and I am reminded of how blessed I am. I too picked out a short sleeved cotton shirt and felt a thorough sense of déjà vu, but I wasn’t sure if it related more to the summer months I spent in Sydney back in the late 80’s or to Malaysian Sunday mornings. I think it is the latter, since I have my beautiful family with me.

When we were home after church it was hot and as we sat down at home we all felt dozy. We put a movie on – a Disney-type family movie called “Good Boy” – some la la land story about dogs being “recalled” to another planet.

After that movie I dragged kiddo out as she kept complaining about being bored. We took a walk to her school armed with a tennis ball – she was going to teach me how to play “2-square”. After less than 10 minutes of playing what turned out to be a miniature form of tennis played with your palms as tennis rackets, and having lost the ball to a gutter on a roof we used the school yard and its many apparatus to just spend some time outdoors and talked.

About almost an hour later we decided to walk home, using a long round-about way. We talked some more.

We got to the subject of whether she still calls Malaysia home. She said she was very happy to be in Melbourne, and does not want to return to live in Klang. She acknowledged how much she missed some parts of Klang, especially how everything came easily and naturally. We both acknowledged that here in Melbourne we have to make an effort at everything we do, unlike in Malaysia. I guess we were in a thick layer of comfort zone and stepping out of such type of comfort zone was always going to be a lot more difficult. That however was going to make us better persons. I really appreciated, treasured our talk. It was a special afternoon for me. Thank you, God. On a warm sunny day, God warmed up more than just the weather. He warmed my heart and spirits magnificently.

 

 

There is a television program called “20 to 1”. It is the “top 20 whatever” of Australian television. Last night it was the top 20 most memorable television commercials. The countdown plodded on (actually it was quite entertaining) and we eventually came to the top Australian television commercial. It was a Qantas advertisement with a beautiful ballad for a theme song which ends with the words “I still call Australia home”. After hearing that line for a bout two million times, I turned to kiddo and asked her “do you?” She made a face and said “Malaysia”. She still considers Malaysia her home. I don’t know what to make of this. I don’t know if this means she would be happier there. She is a bubbly happy kid most of the time. Her name, in both the English (Elysia) and Chinese (Xin Yue) language, means happiness. I wanted her to be a happy person. She is. It makes me think very hard therefore when I get this feeling that she feels she would be happier in Malaysia. She didn’t actually say that. The question was whether she now calls Australia home. She doesn’t. To her Malaysia was still home. Maybe it is a timing thing. She did after all, spend almost 11 years in Malaysia and she has only been in Australia for less than 11 months. I guess it would not be an easy question to answer, if I asked her directly whether she would be happier here or in Malaysia.

I am still hoping, deep inside me, that Malaysia would change and change very quickly. I want it to be a more open, equitable and honest place. If it was I would return and not think of leaving again. It was after all, my home for most of my adult life. Apart from Theresa and kiddo, all of the other people I care about are all there. I miss them quite frequently. I miss my “home” church also. Klang Chinese Methodist Church had been a part of my life since the day I was born. I had been in that church longer than the senior pastor there! Maybe that was a problem, which I now see. The pride and the excessive comfort level were to some extent, stumbling blocks to growth and effective service. I want so much to call Malaysia my home again but right now my home is Australia

 

Elysia at Mount Waverley Secondary College – For a Day

It was just starting to rain when I dropped Elysia off at the Mount Waverley Secondary College on Stephenson Road this morning. It was an orientation-cum-test day for Year 6 kids for when they start secondary school next year. Many of her school friends were also walking there at the time, along Jacqueline Road, Lechte Road and Simpson Road.

She was quite worried.  I wanted to drop her off on Jacqueline Road/Stephenson Road junction but she said she didn’t know where the school was! Then we turned into Simpson Road and I told her to cross the road properly. In my rear view mirror I saw her trying, for a few minutes, to cross the road at the Simpson/Stephenson junction. I panicked a little. I parked, wanted to go down to take her to the pedestrian crossing but then she saw the lollipop man further down Stephenson and went to join a friend there.

It was only when I saw her crossing with a friend (she didn’t realise I was observing her from a distance) that I felt comfortable. It was good to see her walking and chatting with a friend, with a smile on her face.

It had been a hot night (temperature wise – before the reader’s thoughts stray) with temperature nearing a record high for November. So the rain and thunderstorm earlier in the morning was a cool respite. It meant I skipped gym again this morning but I was feeling unusually restless through the night anyway.

 

Prayer Meeting (at International Christian Community)

I had attended the prayer meeting last night, after several months’ absence. It was very warm in the room where the meeting was held, and I was wrestling through the session, perspiring at times. Although I had a good time of prayer, I didn’t “receive” what I went there for. I didn’t mind, as I know this would be an on-going process. I simply have to hang on and work on things. Anyway I was also worked up by two things – one was how many felt compelled to say something, the lateness of the evening notwithstanding. This was especially bad (for me) when someone goes on interminably. I know I shouldn’t be worked up as I should have allowed God to work His agenda in His own time, not my own. I could for example take everything in expectantly, go home at 1am and still feel fresh the next morning because God gives good sleep to His children. Anyway, I need to learn, I guess to truly “let go and let God”. To complete this record, the other matter was how Julie (Pastor’s wife) right at the end said she had a message, which was in the form of a song. She proceeded to sing the song. It was a hauntingly beautiful tune. The problem was it was in some foreign language and I didn’t understand a word of the whole thing. I hope someone did, as otherwise it would have gone across the face of what Paul taught – that if someone should speak or pray in tongue there should be someone to interpret. Anyway as a closing message Pastor said God’s communication would continue in the next few days. So someone will hear something in the next few days.

I came home from the prayer meeting tired, feeling dehydrated. Then I realised I hadn’t made the sandwiches for next day’s lunch… So I made these with Theresa but when we finished, I felt I couldn’t sleep – too restless. I was still smarting perhaps at “not receiving” anything in the prayer meeting. A nice glass of chilled Penfolds’ Rawson’s Retreat calmed me down – enough to get into bed with less frayed nerves.

 

Straightening Things Out

Anyway, despite the “cool respite” weather wise I feel tired, almost drenched. I feel like taking the afternoon off –pick Elysia up from school and then go off somewhere with her. This has everything to do with my state of mind at the moment. I don’t know how to break out of this mould of being in a corporate/city firm mindset to re-cast myself as an all-rounder suburban lawyer. People here are very nice almost all the time and most people I deal with are fair-dinkum honest-to-goodness sort of people. Working here can only make me a better person character wise. It would however, erode my interest in matters that used to scintillate me – corporate agenda, potential targets, suitors, available assets, interest rates, bond yields, latest structured products, what the regulators are doing, if they are sniffing on any trails, what the Fed is doing and thinking and all those other ho-hums. I used to be tuned into what the Wall Street gurus’ latest thoughts were on reading the Fed Chairman’s minds. When Ben Bernanke’s appointment was first announced I immediately googled for his cv and tried to track his beliefs and agenda. I don’t know if any of my present clients give a flying toss about who Ben Bernanke is and most wouldn’t know him “from a bar of soap”, I think. So this is still new territory for me – much like Elysia trying to find her way in Mount Waverley Secondary College, I guess. I need to find the lollipop man to help me across the road, find a friend and find my smile again. God, be my lollipop man.

 

Summer IS here (Calendar notwithstanding)

The weather has warmed up considerably in the past few days. Yesterday was the first time since I don’t know when, that Theresa went around the house in shorts and t-shirt. I washed both our cars and was soaked in sweat. Later I mowed the lawn and was soaked in even more sweat. It was so hot that I actually took a cool shower after mowing the lawn, and walked around the house last night in my running shorts. We went to bed with the fan on. Elysia too came into our room complaining about the heat and we changed her quilt to a cotton blanket and left the fan on for her too.

Blurry Work

Despite the heat I didn’t feel warmer coming into work today. I still have the apprehension which has built up in recent weeks. There seems to be for now at least, mixed messages coming from the boss, as well as from the bigger boss above. I feel more worried and burdened with each passing day. Will just try to plug away anyway. I find a barrier which feels very difficult to break through. The barrier feels thick and impenetrable. It is both a real and perceived barrier, perhaps each feeding off the other. It is now a huge slab across my brain that I find it difficult to punch through to produce meaningful work. I need this dense fog to lift, very quickly.

Blurry Team

To add to my woes, my beloved Manchester United continues to go through a very bleak spell. Roy Keane continues to be sidelined and no one putting up his hand, no one is qualified to, to step into Keano’s shoes. Not Scholes. Not even Giggsy. Nothing to do with their footballing skills. Everything to do with personality and make-up.

New Place

Went to Judd White on Coleman Parade during lunch. They’re one of the bigger real estate agents around. They have a 2 bedroom unit on Muir Street – smaller than our present place but also cheaper. Save money, save work. Just as important, it is just a touch closer to Elysia’s school in Mount Waverley Secondary College next year. It would only be open for inspection after Melbourne Cup day (yesterday), so I went in today to enquire. No time fixed yet for inspection, will have to wait some more.

We decided to look for a new place for the practical reasons above. We are not unhappy in our present place, but if something even more suitable turns up, why not? If they give us good terms such as at least 1 year lease, we’d consider.

Tomorrow is Cup Day. That’s Melbourne Cup to the uninitiated. It is the biggest day in Australia’s racing calendar. That’s horse racing to the uninitiated. To the totally uninitiated, The Melbourne Cup is a horse race. It is considered a marathon event of horse racing in terms of expansiveness and a 100 metre sprint event in terms of glamour. Winners of this race are traditionally placed alongside great sporting personalities of this country. This year’s hot favourite is Makybe Diva. The horse, that is. That’s her name. The jockey is Glen Boss and he too, will attain superstar status if he wins tomorrow. Of course there’s the small matter of whether this horse will run at all tomorrow. Apparently the track is too hard for a champion thoroughbred like her and there is real risk of injury if she runs tomorrow.

Anyway, the context of the above gaffe is – in Melbourne, it’s the first public holiday since the Queen’s birthday way back in June. Five months is a heck of a long time (for this still-very-Malaysian-person) between public holidays. Add to that the fact that the weather has definitely thawed out and you start to see people up and about in their T-shirts and shorts, and you get a resulting holiday mood. In fact most people packed and left by Friday afternoon, with many having left on Thursday afternoon. Most return to work only on Wednesday.

Holiday mood is bad for those not on holidays. You turn up for work but feel like you should be out there enjoying the blue skies and warm weather. Especially on a Monday. So here I am, in office on such a day. Two hours after getting in I’m fixing myself a cup of coffee and deciding to take a few minutes off and write this stuff.

I am still worried about a few things happening at work. Will come around to that at some point I guess but right now, I only want to record this worry. I don’t know if this will be sorted out in the right way…

Yesterday was a healing service in church. The praise and worship session was fantastic. I really kept my mind and heart on God and worshipped Him. I left all of my worries with Him as the service got under way and felt like God was there for me and accepted my worship.

As usual, in such a service there was prayer session at the end. I sat at my place, as I usually do and prayed on my own. Quietly. Elysia and Theresa left and joined the people in the kitchen to prepare the cakes and drinks as I stayed on. I then decided to “go up” for prayers. I did this for 2 reasons mainly. One was to avoid being asked to. I simply wanted to pre-empt this exercise of having someone “encouraging” me to “go up” for prayer. After all I have no plans to leave the church – wanted to remain in this one so I should “get with the program” I guess. The other was – why not? Just go and have pastor or his wife pray for me. I sure could use more of it. After all, it has been a wonderful morning of connecting with God and it felt right to continue seeking Him and be prayed for.

Julie (Pastor’s wife) prayed for me. I was afraid she would get some message about things I have been worried about and give me some unsought for news/message. I felt however I had to face whatever was coming and also felt with God’s help I will be able to deal with it. She prayed and I felt even closer to God. What she said in her prayers gave me much to think and be encouraged about. I thought about them for the rest of the day, as I do now. Anyway after she was finished with me and moved on to the next person (I did not fall down as in most people prayed for), I simply knelt down and prayed further. Even after returning to my seat I continued praying and before leaving the hall I knelt down and prayed again. I continued to feel like drawing to God in prayer. I don’t know if this means I need to draw strength from Him for some forthcoming events but I know I will always need to draw close to Him. I hope this feeling of needing God never fades. It is when I feel weak and draw close to Him that I truly feel my cup running over. Cup day tomorrow? I hope to spend some time praying.