On Thursday night, after dinner, I went for a walk. I took off and before I know it, I was on Waverley Road, some 3 kms from home. I kept walking and reached Warrigal Road in Chadstone. It was dark by then and by the time I got home, it was about 9.40pm – the walk had taken close to 2.5 hours. The bigger problem was it upset Theresa so much. I hadnt realise that long walk had worried her. I should have, seeing that I had never done that before. I was decked out only in my jeans and t-shirt. I had no socks on in my casual (but non-walking) shoes but thankfully I only had tired feet, no blisters or anything like that.

Then yesterday, a mate dropped in. He said he wanted to check in on me to see if everything was alright. When a mate does that, you know 2 things: (1) you really do have a mate; and (2) something must be wrong. With me, not with the mate. I decided then that I had to find out what’s wrong and try to do something about it.

So, after dinner last night, as much as I loathed it, I listened to Theresa and went to Church for the usual bible study night. I also listened to Kiddo and actually went on time.

I think God would remain as He has always been. He would stick to His plans, His schedules, Hiw whatever. As the prophet Jeremiah said, His ways are not our ways. I hate that. I want so much for His ways to be my ways. Or maybe what I truly wanted was for my ways to be His ways. Especially in terms of timing.

No, the bible study wasnt about that. It was on John 18 & 19 – Jesus’ trial, physical abuse at the hands of Pilate and the Jewish religious leaders, and His crucifixion. Strange topics for a time so close to Christmas (well, a bit close to Christmas). It was just a continuation of a series of studies on the Gospel of John. Joe Hu, a leader of our church, was his usual Rev Yeo TL style (he of Klang Methodist Church fame), which is to say he was methodical but so affected at the same time. Somehow, this seemingly unrelated message (unrelated to my current thought and emotions) sort of centred me, and helped me refocus.

No, I’d probably sulk again come tomorrow or, more likely, Monday. Never mind. It is yet another cycle I have to go through. I had started job hunting again in earnest on Thursday. A few minutes ago, while having a beautiful raisin toast for brekky, I told Theresa maybe it is the Melbourne Cup weekend that is causing the silence from all those potential employers. I mean, can you think of any other reason why they dont respond to a super candidate like me? (for you blur readers out there – there’s a hole in my cheek now).

I dont know – maybe it’d take a while before I find anything. Maybe I wont find anything. Maybe I’d go drive a cab. Maybe I’d just do whatever else that comes my way. I’d go on seeking to hear from God whatever the situation. I’d still want to hear from Him, to “get a word from Him”.

Yeah, my thoughts, my feelings – they are all still a bit disjointed for now.