I have successfully ditched Mac, and my fears about Captain Nixon’s choice of poison have been confirmed. Why on earth did he rampage around town looking for VAT 69 when the Eagles’ Nest (Berchtesgaden, the Nazi’s playhouse) is perched ready to be taken, when it (the VAT) is such awful stuff? Back in Malaysia it was good old Mr Walker and his black version, but now, I have experimented with a wider, lower grade range and apart from Mac (McAllister) they have been all very disappointing. Returning to at least Mr Walker’s better black would be tempting, although the Glen Clan (Glenlivet, Glenmorangie, Glenfiddich and the rest of those Scottish names pronounceable only after they’ve have drowned you with the stuff) would be even better if not quite so pricey.

I have a couple of meetings today; not so sure how they would turn out. As usual, I have committed the whole thing to God. I also met someone on Saturday – a weird cloak and dagger operator who chose to meet in Flagstaff Gardens of all places. I later told Theresa I felt like we were a couple of gays meeting up in a public park. The park was peppered with mounties (no, not gays enjoying each others’ companies – cops on horses) who were getting ready for demonstrators for the G-20 meeting. It turned out the mounties had more spice later that day, as the demonstrations stayed true to form and got violent. Thankfully, I left the park and the city just as the show was about to get started. The meeting in the park is probably best left forgotten, as the guy was as elusive as the proverbial eel and I couldnt pin him down (sorry, no picture unbecoming was intended to be conveyed) on ANY issue. He was a fund manager whose law firm is an adjunct to his more lucrative financial operations only, could arrange any sort of investment, I only had to arrange the client, and the documentation would all be ready with his firm’s rich databank which I would have full access to. So I get the client, reel him in, provide the documentation and he does what? No thanks. I couldnt get any data out of him or his equally sparse website.

Meetings today? One is with a recruiter in Richmond – that’s at 12pm. Then it’s with someone else I met on Thursday and again on Friday, to maybe discuss in further details, the terms of any potential relationship. He was vague on Thursday and Friday, but that was probably because I couldnt decide if I was going to say yes to him. It meant a return to suburban practice, at lower remuneration, but which he assured me would be compensated by a share of fees earned. I dont know. There was a lunch in Auntie Hooi’s place after church yesterday and a few of the church leaders were there. The usual advice to pray was dispensed and the usual assurance that yes, I have been praying, was returned. Thankfully it was all true – I have been doing that but again, there has been the usual silence, in any and all form. I know God is there and He watches over His children but, as my recent theme has suggested, I could use some tangible form of assurance every now and then. I guess I have to contend with a different form of assurance yet again.

Meanwhile, I hunt and hopefully, not while I’m drunk.

It is now just after 2pm. Mac has gotten just a little too close for comfort. So I ditched him. Or at least I’m planning to. Decided to. There’s this other nectar which a character played by Ron Livingstone in the TV series Band of Brothers was hung up on. I think his name was Nixon or something and the juice was VAT 69. A bit rough if you asked me, but then again it was 1945. And Glenlivet or whatever is a touch too expensive to get too cosy with in the middle of the day. So today I say Aloha to Mac, but not before we have one wild fling.

Actually, “Band of Brothers” is really a favourite TV series of mine. If nothing happens by the end of this week, I think I would dust off my DVDs and watch the series all over again. If I remember it well, I think this time I’d watch out for that character known as Spears. A lieutenant, i think. He was famed for spraying a bunch of German POWs after offering them fagss. I remember him well because he mouthed a line to the effect that a soldier cant perform till he accepts the idea that he is already dead. Then that soldier would have dealt with his biggest fear and thereafter he would be free to function to the best of this ability, just as he has been trained.

In about an hour and a half, kiddo would have her weekly piano lesson. I’d have to leave home for about a couple of hours. I have not been to a pub (seriously) since moving to Melbourne. Maybe I’d kill a couple of hours in one today. No, not with VAT 69 – just a few harmless Carlton daughts, maybe.

I have started my application processes in earnest. Obviously, I dont know where I’d end up. On the one hand, I would prefer doing some in-house work. My experience at the MMA however, was almost entirely negative, so my only in-house experience in Australia was not good and, thankfully therefore, short. Turning to legal firm however, presents its own problems. Would I find a mid-sized CBD firm which I would fit in, or do I remain out here in a suburban legal practice?

Yes, we all have our own stones to grind, no matter which stage of our lives or careers we may be in. While at work, we grind away on individual matters, wrestling with colleagues, bosses and clients, shooting at endless targets (and sometimes losing sleep over them), looking forward to weekends and holidays, and all the rest it. While not at work, we grind away finding things to do, looking for work, wrestling with over-friendly malt extracts and, yes, all the rest of it. Often, we cast our eyes on the other side of things and wish we were there. I used to tell colleagues and associates that the reason why the grass is always greener on the other side is obvious: there is a lot more crap there.

I guess that’s why the mantra, which I have used as my footer for entries in this blog, espoused by the one many called “wise” or “teacher”. I mean of course, Ecclesiastes. It really does make a lot of sense – whatever it is we may be doing, we ought to enjoy it and remember our God. Enjoy it because well…carpe diem. Remember our God because … we dont just live for the day; we have a purpose, we have a cause. Trick is: where is the balance, and how do I anchor myself in a position to always strike that balance…

On Thursday night, after dinner, I went for a walk. I took off and before I know it, I was on Waverley Road, some 3 kms from home. I kept walking and reached Warrigal Road in Chadstone. It was dark by then and by the time I got home, it was about 9.40pm – the walk had taken close to 2.5 hours. The bigger problem was it upset Theresa so much. I hadnt realise that long walk had worried her. I should have, seeing that I had never done that before. I was decked out only in my jeans and t-shirt. I had no socks on in my casual (but non-walking) shoes but thankfully I only had tired feet, no blisters or anything like that.

Then yesterday, a mate dropped in. He said he wanted to check in on me to see if everything was alright. When a mate does that, you know 2 things: (1) you really do have a mate; and (2) something must be wrong. With me, not with the mate. I decided then that I had to find out what’s wrong and try to do something about it.

So, after dinner last night, as much as I loathed it, I listened to Theresa and went to Church for the usual bible study night. I also listened to Kiddo and actually went on time.

I think God would remain as He has always been. He would stick to His plans, His schedules, Hiw whatever. As the prophet Jeremiah said, His ways are not our ways. I hate that. I want so much for His ways to be my ways. Or maybe what I truly wanted was for my ways to be His ways. Especially in terms of timing.

No, the bible study wasnt about that. It was on John 18 & 19 – Jesus’ trial, physical abuse at the hands of Pilate and the Jewish religious leaders, and His crucifixion. Strange topics for a time so close to Christmas (well, a bit close to Christmas). It was just a continuation of a series of studies on the Gospel of John. Joe Hu, a leader of our church, was his usual Rev Yeo TL style (he of Klang Methodist Church fame), which is to say he was methodical but so affected at the same time. Somehow, this seemingly unrelated message (unrelated to my current thought and emotions) sort of centred me, and helped me refocus.

No, I’d probably sulk again come tomorrow or, more likely, Monday. Never mind. It is yet another cycle I have to go through. I had started job hunting again in earnest on Thursday. A few minutes ago, while having a beautiful raisin toast for brekky, I told Theresa maybe it is the Melbourne Cup weekend that is causing the silence from all those potential employers. I mean, can you think of any other reason why they dont respond to a super candidate like me? (for you blur readers out there – there’s a hole in my cheek now).

I dont know – maybe it’d take a while before I find anything. Maybe I wont find anything. Maybe I’d go drive a cab. Maybe I’d just do whatever else that comes my way. I’d go on seeking to hear from God whatever the situation. I’d still want to hear from Him, to “get a word from Him”.

Yeah, my thoughts, my feelings – they are all still a bit disjointed for now.