I just had a conversation with someone, which has triggered a series of memories, none of which is good. I don’t know if I can blog these events now, even if it is important for posterity.

I have chosen not to blog these events to date for 2 reasons: First, I am still shell-shocked. I don’t know if I have fully recovered from the psychological scars these events created. I don’t know if passage of time has meant I can now safely talk about these things in a relatively public domain such as this blog, or should I still remain vigilant and keep these things hidden away. I am after all, still a Malaysian citizen and subject to its laws and more pertinently, its enforcers, especially if and when I am in Malaysia. I still cannot be completely sure I would not be penalized or victimized in any way if I started talking about these things.

Secondly, I no longer have full details of everything that happened. These were incidents I have tried to erase out of my memories and to a large extent, I have succeeded. I’m not sure I can now accurately recall the details to render my accounts more legitimate than they would otherwise appear to be. If I don’t recall dates, names, places and actual exchanges in sufficient details, can I still be credible?

Like I said however, I think they are important events. Like all recorders of history, especially “bad” events, I often feel everyone affected – and I am sure many more like me were affected – should step forward and give a written account of what happened to them, in order to take a stab at correcting the wrong and preventing recurrences.

I write of the events in Malaysia towards the end of 1998, which precipitated a period of fear and anxieties amongst a small group of corporate players and their executives. These events escalated in 1999 and did not abate, for me, till as late as 2004. The bulk of these events happened in 1999 and 2000 however, and I remain haunted by them.

My running intensified, as did my drinking. They were both instrumental in seeing me through this patch. I was by that stage, doing 65-70km per week and drinking more and more scotch. Often I would be in a gym pounding the treadmill at 6.00 o’clock in the morning doing 12-15km before starting “work”, and knock off “work” by around 5.00 o’clock in the evening, proceeding straight to a pub or coffee shop for beers. It is then to some other place, often at home, for sessions with Mr J Walker. It wasn’t until maybe 2003/2004 when I resumed having regular dinners instead of drinks.

I have to try and recall these events. And then I will see if I can write about them…