It’s a difficult, almost surreal, feeling. The permutations keep playing through my head, in endless cycles. The mix of a redundancy, leads, and whether I’ve made the most of the leads/opportunities presented, visit to Malaysia – they just revolved past a mental screen without any swiping action required.

A redundancy is almost certainly making its way to the legal team. An “Amending Deed” – a potentially core document between the new owners and our biggest clients – was signed some time ago. This could dictate the decisions/legal calls we make. And yet, despite other departments having been given this document weeks ago, my boss’ request for this document has thus far gone unheeded.

Leads come and go. One went as far as an interview with the GC, and no matter what one feels after the interview, one never knows what the outcome would be. Should I have asked that question, would I have sounded presumptuous, and all that… It may feel ok but one never knows and the perennial question of who else is/are in the mix is just another proverbial 600lb gorilla in the corner.

How those factors interact and play out, would determine if I visit my mum in Malaysia. She has been unwell, was in and out of the hospital and I would love to be able to see her again. She’s back home now, presumably better. And yet, last week I said to Tress how I recalled my dad being in and out of hospital and I didn’t have the chance to go see him and some 3-4 months later he passed on. That was over 8 years ago now. I don’t want to make the same mistake this time around.

And so each day I leave work early, sit in the car to wait for Tress, read my book, go home, make dinner, walk the little fellow, make breakfast (and lunch) for the next day, have a few drinks while watching television, and wake up early the next day, get to the gym, while away the day and leave work early. Repeat.

I have to wait – maybe up to a week – before the outcome of the interview may be known. The questions – and permutations – keep happening in my head. Notwithstanding the familiarity, these are difficult uncertainties. All uncertainties are. The exercise involved in trusting the Lord and seeking peace in him is put through its paces and sometimes it helps. Often it helps. The permutations keep cycling through but there is an underlying serenity which comes from knowing He knows, and cares. Trust and obey and good currencies. Always.