Try as I do, I can’t get it out of my head.

Nearly 48 hours since I got the call.

Nearly 24 hours since I left a voicemail seeking updates.

Do I cling on to this strand ….. It doesn’t – never – get easier.

It couldn’t have been a more ordinary weekend. It couldn’t have been a better weekend, in terms of sheer relaxation.

We watched a movie over itunes on Friday night. “A Hundred Foot Journey” is a light, warm hearted tale of an Indian family who moved to Europe following a riot of sorts in India which took the life of the wife/mother, who had been guiding her son in his budding culinary skills.

We slept in on Sat morning, then went to check out a café on Jolimont Road and had a very good breakfast there. Then it was home for several hours of gardening and bathing LBJ. The work was all done by about 2.30pm then it was some grocery shopping and then off to Alex’s for dinner. There was no one else at the dinner, which was a bit unusual but it also gave us an opportunity to talk and catch up, which was really good. Equally good was a very delectable Japanese whisky, which between the 2 of us we nearly finished.

On Sunday after church we went to Madam Kwong’s and then it was home, where we just idled away a couple of hours. Some ironing, a bit more shopping for the week’s breakfast smoothies, walking LBJ on a sunny cool arvo… it was all so relaxing.

And yet constantly the thoughts are around the impending redundancy and the outcome of that job interview last week both of which would impact a decision to visit mum in Malaysia and catch up a long overdue catch up with Mei and her kids. Yue Jie would probably be about 6 now – we haven’t seen that boy for nearly 5 years.

This morning the team again talked about whether this would be the final week for us, and the futility of weekly group meetings. All I want to do now is book a couple of tickets for Tress and I to go visit Malaysia, and spend time with my mum, my sisters and their kids and the rest of the family. I can/want to do that only with a bit more certainty of the future.

On Sunday Ginny the pastor’s wife, said she had this picture of someone with a big grey in front. I thought that is kind of like me. A bit more certainty would be good but I guess the best certainty is knowing we have a God who cares.

It’s a difficult, almost surreal, feeling. The permutations keep playing through my head, in endless cycles. The mix of a redundancy, leads, and whether I’ve made the most of the leads/opportunities presented, visit to Malaysia – they just revolved past a mental screen without any swiping action required.

A redundancy is almost certainly making its way to the legal team. An “Amending Deed” – a potentially core document between the new owners and our biggest clients – was signed some time ago. This could dictate the decisions/legal calls we make. And yet, despite other departments having been given this document weeks ago, my boss’ request for this document has thus far gone unheeded.

Leads come and go. One went as far as an interview with the GC, and no matter what one feels after the interview, one never knows what the outcome would be. Should I have asked that question, would I have sounded presumptuous, and all that… It may feel ok but one never knows and the perennial question of who else is/are in the mix is just another proverbial 600lb gorilla in the corner.

How those factors interact and play out, would determine if I visit my mum in Malaysia. She has been unwell, was in and out of the hospital and I would love to be able to see her again. She’s back home now, presumably better. And yet, last week I said to Tress how I recalled my dad being in and out of hospital and I didn’t have the chance to go see him and some 3-4 months later he passed on. That was over 8 years ago now. I don’t want to make the same mistake this time around.

And so each day I leave work early, sit in the car to wait for Tress, read my book, go home, make dinner, walk the little fellow, make breakfast (and lunch) for the next day, have a few drinks while watching television, and wake up early the next day, get to the gym, while away the day and leave work early. Repeat.

I have to wait – maybe up to a week – before the outcome of the interview may be known. The questions – and permutations – keep happening in my head. Notwithstanding the familiarity, these are difficult uncertainties. All uncertainties are. The exercise involved in trusting the Lord and seeking peace in him is put through its paces and sometimes it helps. Often it helps. The permutations keep cycling through but there is an underlying serenity which comes from knowing He knows, and cares. Trust and obey and good currencies. Always.

A month’s gone – we’re into the second month of the “new” year now. A little while ago, I heard someone say if we feel time passing more quickly each year, it’s because we are getting old. So I must be feeling old.

It’s strange because I should be feeling the opposite, given how little is going on at work. This morning’s weekly team capacity meeting continues the ongoing whistle-past-the-grave tone, as the lawyers tried to be self deprecating and laugh at our going home early days. The boss then decided to send a couple of emails to the team. The first one is to line up a “late duty” roll, just to be sure at least a lawyer is around till 5pm every day. The other is to tell us he has asked the new big boss for a core doc. That could be a trigger of sorts I guess. We’ll have to wait and see.

After that I sneaked off to the team room for an early lunch. To my surprise it was full – people had gathered to watch the Superbowl. Apparently there are Aussies who follow American football.

The weekend has been a big one for sports. On Saturday it was the Asian football final, where we worked hard, persisted and beat the South Koreans to take the title as Asian champions. It had been a lazy sort of day, when we slept in, and did very little. The weather didn’t help – it has been a damp squib of a summer so far, which overcast, rainy, cool days for the most part. Tress had a lousy Fri at work and we had met up at Enrik’s for a quick dinner and lingered away Friday night, so sleeping in and just lazying around felt like the thing to do. We went to the local Masters’ store at Box Hill South to look at lemon trees but they didn’t look too flash so there wasn’t any gardening type of activities either.

Yesterday at church it was very full, despite the wet rainy morning. Brollies lined the entrance of the building and there were less shorts seen. After the service we chatted with a couple of people and one of them talked to us about a rotating dinner that would be taking place in March. So for the rest of the day we played with different thoughts about what we could do – menus for any one of starters, mains or desserts ran through our minds.

Later in the night, as we watched the tennis men’s finals we had emails from our home group leader asking if meetings could resume this week. February is here. Activities are resuming their normal cycles. The wheels turn again, and I sincerely hope I head somewhere positive soon.